Pen Pals

Sorry for the lapse between posts, dear readers. Lots of really crappy family stuff going on, but we hope to be back on track soon.

In the meantime, one of my hobbies to correspond via email with people in need. Usually these people in need are in a foreign country and wish to give me millions of dollars that belonged to a recently deceased family member, if only I would help them by covering some of their "costs" in return.

Just recently, a lovely lady named "Debora Johnson" emailed me all the way from Africa. Here is how the exchange has gone so far:

-----Original Message-----
From: Miss.Debora Johnson [mailto:debojohns171@msn.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 16, 2011 10:00 AM
Subject: Hello

Hi,My name is Miss.Debora Johnson i am a young girl from west Africa.I saw your email when i was browsing at internet and found out that we can make a good match and i will like you to contact me through this my email address (debojohn86@yahoo.com) so that i can tell you more about myself.please my dear i will like you to contact me at my mail box Waiting for your mail, Your

Miss.Debora

Of course, I replied that we would make a very good match. I did not find it curious at all that someone from West Africa would have the surname "Johnson". She responds back:

Subject: Hopping to hear from
From: debojohn86@yahoo.com to Phil show details Nov 17 (6 days ago)

Hello My Dearest one.Thanks for your immediate response to my e-mail, how are you doing today? Hope fine and you are perfectly doing well in health. My name is Debora Johnson I am from Ivory Coast in West Africa .I am 23 years old girl, 5ft 8inches tall, single never married, Black hair and brown eyes.

I am presently living in Senegal due to the Civil War fought in my country some years ago. My late father Dr Philip Johnson was the personal adviser to the former head of state before the rebels attacked our house one early morning killing my mother and my father. you can read about the story here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivorian_Civil_War It was only me that is alive because I wasn't around when this happened, I was in the University where am schooling, am doing my first year in nursing, I then manage to abscond to following west African country ( SENEGAL ) where am residing now in '' REFUGEE CAMP''.

I would like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently my hobbies are reading watching music videos going to beach with friends visiting a place like zoo and doing every other thing that gives joy and happiness.

I will tell more about myself in my next mail. Attached here is my picture.Hoping to hear from you soonest.

From: Phil
To: Debo Johnson

Hello to you too Miss Debora! I am glad you have written me back.

You seem like a beautiful young woman. I enjoy hearing about your hobbies, and am glad you are able to visit places like the beach, zoo, etc while at Refugee Camp. I once attended camp during summers here in the United States, but we did not have such luxuries, and mostly made crafts.

I am a man of many pleasures. I run a large international company with my partners, but we are not all business and I like to relax and imbibe in those things that make me feel good. I enjoy watching TV like the Price is Right, and listening to Kenny Rogers albums. I hope to hear from you again,

best, Phil Braun

It's not long before she writes me back although I had kind of forgotten about her, so it took me a while to reply. Things seemed to have gotten worse for Miss Johnson in the Refugee Camp, and there is not as much frivolity and trips to the beach as she indicated in her first email...

fromDebo John debojohn86@yahoo.com toPhil <phil@playazball.com>
dateThu, Nov 17, 2011 at 12:42 PM
subject: i will be waiting for your email

My Dearest one,
How are you doing this lovely evening?

I believe you are doing well. But it would have been better with me on your side. My Dear I can understand what you mean. I thank you so much for your lovely mail God will bless you as you help me out from this refugee camp.

My Dear thing are very bad for me here in the refugee camp where I am living today. I was first year student in the university studding nursing before the ugly incident that killed my parents that put me in this horrible place I found myself today. This place is like a prison as we are only allowed to go out on Monday and Friday of the week as given by the United Nations camp rules and regulation here in Senegal. It's just like one staying in the prison and I hope by Gods grace I will come out here soon.

I don't have any relatives now whom I can go to all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war.I thank God for the pastor of Christ the king church located in the camp where I send and receive emails and his name is Pastor David Ken and he just like a father to me as I became close to him during one of his visitation to the clinic when I was sick.

You can call me in his office with this number 00221773354567 so that I can speak with you, when you call please tell him that you want to speak with me so that he can send for me from the females hostel to speak with you.

My Dear I chosen you immediately I saw your email without delay, because they said that out of hundred, there must be a good Samaritan and I hope that it was by God's grace that I chosen you and during my praying, God reveal to me that you are a very kind person, that is capable to help me. And I have 100% trust and confidence in you and I am rest assured that you will surely help me out from this terrible place called refugee camp.

My dear I will like you to help me come over to meet with you in your country for a better life as my health is going down daily here due to the poor conduction of the camp where I am living. I want to go back to my studies because I only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now.

My dear please there is one other thing I will like you to do for me as I need some body who will assist me due to my refugee status here in Senegal.Before the death of my father , he deposited a sum of 5.7 million dollars in leading bank in Europe which my name appears as the next of kin.Already I have informed the bank about my plans to claim this money but the bank told me to look for a foreign partner who will assist me in the claim due to my refugee status here in Senegal. As a refugee I don’t have a direct claim over the money but can only have it through an appointed representative.

So I will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you. I kept this secret to people in the refugee here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me. So in the light of above I will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for I am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people get to know about it. Remember I am giving you all this information due to the trust I deposed on you. I like honest and understanding people, truthful and people of vision, truth and hardworking.

My dear I will like to know your willingness to assist me in this claim so that I can give you the full contact of the bank in Europe for you to contact them for verification and confirmation.God bless you as you do it for me

Debora.

And there it is....refugees must be the richest people on earth, because they all seem to have millions stashed away in a bank, just waiting to give it to you!

From: Phil
To: Debora

Debora - It is so good to hear from you! I am sorry I have delayed in getting back to you - I have been extremely fascinated with a new American movie "Puss & Boots". Have you heard of it? I've seen it several times, but feel bad that I missed your correspondence.

I am sorry to hear of your conditions in Refugee Camp. Did they close the zoo? I'm guessing your access is very restricted there. I am fascinated by the wealth of your father and would very much like to help. I would want to call you but am confused by your phone number. It is not like that here in the United States.

I look forward to hearing from you, sweet Debora.

Phil

I once strung along a nigerian scammer by saying I went to see "Shrek 3" five times and couldn't get to a Western Union for several days. Needless to say he was no fan of Shrek by the end of our communication. I sense the same coming for Miss Debora.

from:Debo John debojohn86@yahoo.com toPhil <phil@playazball.com>
date: Wed, Nov 23, 2011 at 9:51 AM
subject: My Darling help me contact the bank for confirmation and possible transfer.

My Dearest One.

How are you today? I believe all is well with you there. As mine was bored here in the camp where I am living and I thank God that I will be meeting with you very soon for a better life. I am more than happy to hear from you again. I believe God will use you to help me out from this refugee camp.Dear call me with this number +221773354567.

My Dear I don't know where to start as my life has been so sad since the untimely death of my parents and I thank you for your willingness to help me out from here called refugee camp. And manage my 5.7 million US dollars deposited at Royal Bank of Scotland of which my name appears as the next of kin.

My dear, I really want to join you over there in your country as soon as possible but I lack the financial strength to make it a reality now, So I should advice you to help me and recover my late father's money with the bank in Scotland, Then from there you can send me some tangible amount of money for me to prepare my traveling documents to come over there. After that you can invest the rest of the money in any business of your choice. I will not discuss this matter with any other person because I believe that you will help me, so no need of looking for another person. I will like you to please keep this transfer as a secret to other people because since it is (MONEY) all eyes will be on it. Remember in trust, I prayed and fasted when I got your contact and God revealed you to me as the right person to help me in this transfer due to my refugee status here in the prison called refugee camp.

I have informed the bank in Scotland about my plans to claim this money and the only thing they told me is to look for a foreign partner who will stand on my behalf due to my refugee status and the laws of this country against a refugee like me.In this regard I will like you to contact the bank immediately with this information, tell them that you are my foreign partner and that you want to know the possibilities of assisting me in transferring the ($5.7 Million US Dollars) deposited by my late father of which I am the next of kin.

Here is the contact information of the bank in Scotland where the money was deposited by my late father is as follows,
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND
NAME OF THE TRANSFER OFFICER IS MR PHILIP HAMPTON
TELEPHONE NUMBER IS 0044703183102, 00447031830406
FAX NUMBER +44 709-280-4176
Based on this information I will like you to send an email to the transferdepartment of the bank today with any of this email address

(royalbanklondons@aol.com)
(royalbank_ofscotland@cooltoad.com)

Attention Mr. Philip Hampton the foreign transfer officer of the bank telling him that you are my representative and that you want to assist metransfer my 5.7 million dollars deposited by late father of which aim thenext of kin.

THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION IS AS FOLLOWS.ACCOUNT NAME IS DR PHILIP JOHNSON AMOUNT 5.7 MILLION DOLLARS. NEXT OF KIN MISS DEBORA JOHNSON

God bless you as you do this today,
your Debora.

I love how the Bank of Scotland has an "aol.com" email address, and it is "royalbanklondons" with an extra "s" at the end.

From: Phil
To: Debora Johnson

Do not worry! I will come to your aid!

from: Phil phil@playazball.com via gmail.com
to: royalbanklondons@aol.com
date: Wed, Nov 23, 2011 at 10:44 AM
subject: Attention!

Mr. Philip Hamton I am Mr. Phil Braun, a representative of the lovely Miss Debora Johnson of West Africa and her father Dr. Philip Johnson who has 5.7 million (!!!) in your bank.

Please allow me to assist her in moving this money to me immediately!!!!!!!

best,Phil Braun

Now the true games begin. I will attempt to keep you posted with future correspondence. Let's hope the best for Miss Debora!

Bourbon Street Black-Out

I have never felt so terrible in my life.  What I had seen, could not be unseen. Bourbon Street had claimed another victim.

I picked myself off the bathroom floor after many hours of “Driving the porcelain bus” and entered into the hotel room that I was sharing with my wife, and my parents.

Once they had finally stopped laughing at my expense, I requested an answer to a question that every black-out drunk has…What the hell happened? – But I hadn’t forgotten…I had only hoped it was a bad dream.

We spent the day on Bourbon Street, eating oysters, and engaging in the finest alcohol induced tradtion of all time, Mardi Gras.  My wife and I, along with my parents, had been hopping from bar to bar in search of a joint with live music.

We all began dancing to the beat of a Bon Jovi tribute band when we noticed one of Mardi Gras finer traditions…Boobs. 

As my father and I stared uncontrollably, my mother and my wife were not amused but could understand the fascination, as this woman’s plastic surgeon had done a fine job, and she was his pro bono advertisement. 

We kept staring as she was handing out motor boat calling cards to all parties.  My Mom, still not amused by the situation says, “Why don’t you go get you a Motor Boating too?” 

Knowing that there was no way in hell that my wife would allow that, my sarcastic rebuttal was, “Why don’t YOU go get one?”

Never, in a million years, did I expect my mother to call my bluff. 

Off she went towards the motor boat saleswoman.

I had to close my eyes.  My father didn’t.  He was like one of those Garfield the Cat suction cup toys clinging for dear life on the rear window of a station wagon.

The deed had been done.  My attempt to extract the image from my brain by blacking out on Tropical Isle Hand Grenades was unsuccessful.  What I saw was now burned into my memory for eternity.

My Mom is a Motor Boater…What has your Mom done lately?