Every family has its characters, but by leaps and bounds the most decorated relative from my wife’s side of the family is her cousin Eddie.
Eddie hails from the Appalachian mountain ranges of the northeast, where most of my wife’s side of the family has trickled down from to these parts, and the fact that his name coincides with the moniker made famous by Randy Quaid in the ‘Vacation’ movies is no coincidence. When Eddie and his family moved south, he brought with him his go-kart racing, dirt bikes, and a 70’s Camaro that was perpetually in a state of half-repair and on cinder blocks.
He is undoubtedly the most entertaining at weddings as once the music starts, the man busts a move until the last stitch of clothing is drenched in sweat…hence the nickname “Sweaty Eddie”.
His repertoire includes much more than weddings and in my opinion, Eddie’s jewel shines brightest around the family dinner table.
On occasion, Eddie and his family travels from the backwater to join us for our traditional Sunday Night Dinner at my Mother-in-laws house. Toilet humor, embarrassing stories and witty banter are par for the course, but when Eddie joins the party my brother-in-law and I intentionally turn up the heat…for our own enjoyment.
As with most people, your lips loosen up quite a bit once a few beers have been dumped down your gullet. In Eddie’s case, his mouth becomes the Niagara Falls
During these dinners with Eddie in attendance, it was not uncommon for us to toss out a few stories out in hopes that he would begin to comment. In previous dinner conversation about a friend of my sister-in-law who was in her 30’s and still single, Eddie would proffer comments such as “tell if she don’t use it, that thang’s gonna grow over.”
The story that struck his fancy this particular Sunday was about a previous entry, Rocky Mountain Oysters
We weren’t finished reciting said story before he chimed in with a few gems directed towards my Mother-in-law:
“Wow, with a pecker like that, no wonder you were upset about the divorce”
“You should have made a mold of it to attach to a power drill.”
My Mother-in-laws uncomfortable laughter did not dissuade Eddie. One final “I bet I know who got ‘bored out’ that night” led us to change the direction of the conversation towards Eddie’s own escapades. Since we were already in the sexual conversation arena, Eddie began to discuss his own findings after years of experiences.
The few that stick out most in my memory are:
“You know, once you get old like me, it takes you a LONG time to finish the deed. My wife will finally just turn on the TV and watch an episode of CSI until I get through.”
“That stuff is so sticky that it can double as wall paper glue. Just spray the walls with it….”
Eddie’s wife, in attendance, confirmed both statements…much to her son’s displeasure as he couldn’t take any more of the conversation and meandered his way out of the dining room into hiding.
As the evening finally came to an end, Sweaty Eddie made his rounds and hugged my wife and each of her sisters…in his own slightly overzealous way.
The lingering comment that my wife remembers most from her bon voyage, was Eddie’s sweet parting whisper:
“You were always the sexiest one.”
