Walk of Shame

This past Easter, my wife and I went to visit my parents in North Alabama.  It was an ordinary visit with no spectacular events to speak of - until Saturday morning.

My wife and I attempted to sleep in due to the fact that we were on vacation, but with our internal clocks set on Eastern Standard Time, we only made it until 7:30.  Instead of attempting to extend my slumber, I decided to go for a quick run.

Not knowing my parent’s neighborhood all that well, I decided just to go 1.5 miles down the main drag and return on the same path – this decision ended quite poorly for me.

I had worked up a decent sweat about halfway through my run and had begun to make my way back towards my starting point, and there it hit me.  I was going to be sick, and not vomit sick…the other end.

Being a mile and a half away from home, in a newer subdivision where the trees were so young they could barely shelter a squirrel, I began to panic.  There was NO place to hide.  I thought to myself, “Surely someone will let me use their bathroom.”

I started to knock on doors.

A man in his mid fifties answered his door, gazes at me, a young man less than 30 years old, BEGGING him to allow me inside to use his facilities.

“No”

I explain to him that I will be forced to use his bushes as I will not be able to make it home.

“Try it, and I’ll call the cops.”

At that point, I knew I was done for. 

I ventured to 3 more homes, with “Mr. No-Entry” following my every move, and received similar answers… “No”.

By this time I was about a mile from home and decided that an all-out sprint was my last resort.  This, when you are seconds away from exploding, is about as fast as a human can waddle.   The whole time I was looking for ANY place I could hide and relieve myself.

I was on an island, and there was no escape.

With my parents house no more than 100 yards away, there was a breach in my defenses…and then at 50 yards – I surrendered.

I have never been so humiliated and relieved in my entire life.  As I slowly trod the final paces to my house, I look up and of course, my father was in the drive way.

In the Aston family, there are no secrets.  Therefore, my wife barged into the bathroom while I was filled to the brim with humiliation…among other things, and added insult to injury.

“If you wouldn’t have knocked on all those doors, you would have made it back home.”