Spawn of Mr. ODP

I remember it like it was yesterday.  My wife and I were sitting nervously in the clinic, waiting to hear our child’s heartbeat for the first time.  The doctor arrived and began to exam the parasites host, my wife, and turned on the speakers.  There it was, the most captivating sound I had ever heard, our first child’s heartbeat.

Tears of joy, relief, and wonderment streamed while we imagined what the future holds for this miracle housed inside my wife’s abdomen.

The look on the doctor’s face began to change, and I was quite confused as he was now sporting a “shit-eating grin”.

This was the moment the record stopped.

This was the moment where you are at a crossroads and thinking, “If I leave now, I can be in Mexico in a matter of hours.”

This was the moment the good doctor exclaimed, “You’re having twins!”

We were overjoyed, blessed, filled with unexplainable and wonderful emotions – but then the grand realization of twins, two colleges, two weddings, two of everything sank in.

I sat in bewilderment for a moment while the Dr. began to examine the twins host once again.  Something on his screen indicated that our bundle(s), plural, of joy were not only twins, but Identical Twins. At this moment, I knew for certain that God has a sense of humor, and a great one at that.

My wife, you see, has always been, for some reason or another, deathly afraid of, yes, you guessed it, Identical Twins.

The doctor began to describe the biological formation of identical twins and that there is no scientific reasoning for what causes the egg to split after fertilization – (insert me raising my hand)

“Doctor, I believe I can explain to what caused our egg to split”

“Enlighten me”, the doctor replied whilst rolling his eyes.

“I have super sperm and blew that egg in two!”, I proudly exclaimed to both his and my wife’s astonishment.

The annoyed doctor began to tell me that it, in fact, was NOT because I have “super sperm” or any other kind of biological superiority in my nether regions.

In complete disbelief I quickly rebutted, “But you can’t prove that it is not my superior sperm, now can you?”

With slight hesitation, the doctor submitted his final statement, “No, no I cannot bust your theory.”

Me: 1 – Dr. Dingus - 0